Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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