when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
