please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
