So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
