I cockslap morals
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
