FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
