You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
