I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
