you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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