Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
