I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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