I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
