If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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