Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
