At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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