Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
