Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
