No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
