So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
