matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
