so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
