Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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