Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
