Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
