WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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