Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
