Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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