A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
