I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
