you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We're too hungover to prance.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
