Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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