I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
