I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
