Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
