I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
