I just cut my nipple shaving
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I am one with the molecules
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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