pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
