were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
