my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
