Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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