He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
