Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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