If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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