please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
