I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
