He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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