how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
