So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
