If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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