tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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