i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
