I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
