Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
