Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
